Female Characters


Having a famous Slovakian tennis dad and a British Olympic shot-putting mum meant you’ve never really wanted for money – or energy. Born and bred in the sleepy village of Whitchurch in Bucks, you grew up practicing tennis and shot-putting in the back-garden acres. You preferred the ‘less strenuous’ activity of tennis, along with the body shape it promised, although your mum has never forgiven you. Tennis has paid for itself hundreds of times over though, and you almost made it to Wimbledon one year. Now you mainly teach.


Your mam always claimed you were born with a rolling pin in one hand. She never stopped blaming you for the injuries she suffered in childbirth. Her constant criticism continued throughout your childhood, normally related to your cooking ability of which she was jealous. Many times, you pictured yourself sticking a fork in her during dinner but you comforted yourself by stealing the forks instead – something that would lead to a life of hard crime and hard time…


You were raised in an orphanage, not knowing your mother or father. It was only when you turned 18 that the nuns revealed your mother was an unusual circus performer. You tracked her down just in time – and on her death bed, she told you your father’s name. You infiltrated Lord Heathcliff’s staff so you could get to know him before telling him your true identity.


You became a major star at a young age because you looked cute and were very good at playing the violin. But as you got older, people weren’t as interested. Your latest album release was a non-event and we won’t even speak of the tour. Desperate to give your career a much-needed kick, you agreed to a promotional deal with a very popular brand of breakfast cereals but it isn’t going as well as you hoped.


Your father only wanted great things for you. Your mother left you both at an early age and you looked after each other. You finished your education top of the class and went on to study accounting – as your father insisted you learn a ‘trade’. But when he finally passed on, you realized how much you’d come to depend on looking after him and that even doing tax returns couldn’t satisfy you as much. Later, while working on Lord Heathcliff’s books he jokingly asked you to be his housekeeper and you accepted – for the same pay of course.