Male Characters


You’ve lived in Heathcliff Manor your whole life – well, in the gamekeeper’s cottage that’s part of Lord Heathcliff’s estate. Your father was gamekeeper until the fateful day when he crossed paths with a pack of wild weasels. His death wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t painless, but at least he died doing what he loved.


All your life you’ve wanted to be a vet, but you quickly u-turned into general medicine after realizing you had far more empathy for animals than humans when you put them under the scalpel. Then you became bored, learning about the ‘simple’ human body and started to lose interest. Failing exams and falling behind in class, repeatedly being told by faculty staff that you were underachieving did nothing to rectify the situation, and when it came to the final tests you couldn’t even scrape with a third degree. Taking pity on you, the university allowed you to re-sit, and eventually, you hauled yourself up to a passing grade.


Growing up poor had its drawbacks. For a start, your dream of being a top racing driver was hampered by the availability of cars – nobody in your family had one. So, you became a BMX demon and rode everywhere doing stunts. One day, during your 2000-drop paper round Lord Heathcliff saw you perfecting some triple endos and invited you in to see his eighteen-car garage. When he offered you the job of cleaning them you accepted on the spot, and slowly worked your way up to become his chauffeur.


You always wanted to be in the Army as a boy and quickly worked your way up the ranks to become known as General Riskmoreland. Your love of gambling kicked in on the battlefield when you started taking “he who dares wins’ as a statement of fact, after losing a few platoons too many you were honorably discharged to set up your own personal security firm. Needless to say, your risk-taking philosophy regularly causes you to lose clients and you’re always looking for new ones.


You were quickly promoted through the French police force as they wanted to get you off the streets. After tripping over some onions whilst pursuing a caricature artist outside the Centre Pompidou you were retired from active duty with full pay. No matter how many times you ask they will not let you work again so you spend vacations in England posing as a private detective to help those in need. You’ve never fired a gun nor have you ever successfully completed a case.


Being bestowed a Life Peerage during Queen’s Birthday Honors list for outstanding achievement in the field of technological retail has always entitled to draw ‘expenses.’ You’d sign in at House of Lords every day and then partake in a regular 18 holes at Wentworth. That was some twenty years now and most have all but forgotten that you actually received the honors for selling nappies online and by mail order on a same-day delivery basis. Now you tend to wear the Lord moniker a little more like it was a hereditary title.


From an early age, you wanted to be a writer. At 10 you were writing stories about football, at 15 you were writing stories about girls and football, and at 20 you were writing stories about quantum mechanics and wormholes. Needless to say, as your fiction became more difficult for the masses to digest the popularity and support you had garnered began to fade away. Feeling your artistic career slip away focused your mind on becoming an English Professor instead, and you’ve been gainfully academically employed ever since.


You felt called to join the clergy after being forced to watch endless episodes of e Thorn Birds with your mum. Although you were raised in a Catholic school you decided that particular variant was a bit limiting and decided that the Church of England was the way to go. When you’re not fundraising and leading services, you enjoy paintball contests, culminating in a hotly contested “Nuns vs Vicars” showdown every year.


As a youngster you were drawn to-wards the ideals of knights and chivalry – taking after-school fencing class seemed like a great idea. Fencing was fun but you wanted to bring a horse into the equation, so you added jousting to your skills and became a successful tournament player. The need for professional jousters wasn’t as great as you hoped, however, so you had to look for a fallback career. When your father declared his retirement as Lord Heathcliff’s butler you decided to follow in footsteps.